Being assertive: taking the bull by the horns

This weekend, my boyfriend and I decided to take a drive to St Andrews from Glasgow.

We’d built up quite an appetite along the way.

I did what any sensible human would do: a quick search on Google for some highly-rated lunch spots.

We made the decision to pop into a local restaurant serving up what sounded like some amazing bagels.

There was a huge selection and after a long-winded debate, we reached a decision.

I went for the salad. My boyfriend Dean picked the toasted bagel topped with melted cheese, roasted tomatoes and basil.

Sounds delicious right?

And I’m sure it would have been.

Speaking up or staying silent?

What Dean received was a toasted bagel with a sliver of cheese, sliced cold tomato and 1/8^th of a basil leaf.

When it comes to food, I am assertive.

I’ll complain if I’m unhappy, but Dean avoids it.

After about 10 minutes of debate and self-abuse, he eventually asked me to call the waitress over.

He started with:

“Excuse me, I am terribly sorry to bother you, but the menu said roasted tomatoes…These are cold and the cheese isn’t melted. Is it possible that I misread the menu? Or is this the wrong order?”

Silence.

“I’m sorry if I’m being a pain here..”

Finally a response:

“Aye, looks like they toasted the bagel without the cheese and tomato on top. I’ll go and ask…”

After five minutes she returned:

“Yeah, he’s new. He toasted the bagel without the toppings on it. Still the same ingredients though.”

She smiled and off she went.

Assertiveness vs. passiveness

For someone such as me who complains often, this may have been a manageable situation.

But for Dean, it was an earth-shattering, news breaking, heart-pounding moment that he had no idea how to handle.

He was mortified at the idea of me calling her over again so I left it.

He ate half. We paid the bill and left.

There are some interesting facts you should know as a business owner:

• For every one customer complaint received by a company, 26 customers fail to articulate their concerns.

• Consumers tell twice as many people about poor experiences than positive ones.

(Statistics from White House Office of Consumer Affairs)

This whole experience got me thinking:

1. Why do people feel uncomfortable complaining and being assertive about it?
2. How should businesses react to complaints?

In this blog, I plan to dig into why people avoid confrontation.

Why do people feel uncomfortable asserting themselves?

There are many situations in life where the words well up in your throat, so close to coming out, but then you panic, hold in the words and turn the other way.

This scenario applies to asserting ourselves in general.

When your boss says:

“Hey Linda, would you work overtime again this weekend and finish that presentation?”

Linda is thinking:

“It’s the 5^th weekend in a row and tonight I had planned to spend time with my family.”

The words are on the tip of her tongue… and then:

“Yes of course, anything else you’re needing help with?”

This is a common problem we see here when running our assertiveness training courses.

People often feel that if they’re assertive and express their true feelings on a subject, they could end up offending someone.

To get what we want, we just need to learn how to express our concerns in a productive manner.

And discover that being assertive brings you closer to what you want.

Aggressiveness, passiveness and assertiveness

Dean had three broad options to choose from:

1. Aggressive behaviour

He gets angry, mutters something offensive to the waitress and leaves without paying.

Result?

Everyone fails to get what they want.

2. Passive behaviour

He tells the waitress that’s fine, eats half and pays in full.

Result?

The restaurant is happy, but Dean’s still hungry and out of pocket.

3. Assertive behaviour

He confidently tells the waitress that he’d like the food remade.

Result?

Dean gets what he ordered, and the restaurant gets paid.

Being assertive

We face these choices every day, yet few of us take the bull by the horns and assert ourselves confidently.

You can read more on being assertive here.

Imagine the difference in the workplace if you could get it right every time.

You’d be respected by your colleagues, and leave with everyone feeling happy.

Your business would thrive.

If you want to practice your assertiveness skills, email us.

We’ll create a training based on real scenarios in your life.

And it could be the difference between a life of success, or a life of under-heated bagels.

Being Assertive blog written by Amy Le Grange.

She’s the marketing assistant of Pink Elephant Communications.

Photo credits in Being assertive blog by donnierayjones, Thad Zajdowicz , https://unsplash.com/@jasonrosewell, dr_zoidberg via Foter.com / CC BY-SA, Foter.com