Communications skills training: five tips to build bridges

I’ve spent the last 13 years running communication skills training around the UK, internationally and from our studios here in Glasgow.

And I run a business that’s been doing that for 34 years.

We’ve come across just about every situation imaginable.

Media training sessions run in people’s living rooms.

A presentation skills training session run on a train, as participants rushed to get home before heavy snow left us stranded in Edinburgh.

Laughter, tears, fear, anxiety, exhilaration, relief.

One person who left the room after one question and failed to return.

Many who have decided after the course to completely change their habits to excel in their professional lives.

At the core of those are our Golden Rules, communications skills training habits to use every day for the rest of your life.

And then there are the nuggets that only come up every now and then.

They have the impact to build, mend and cement relationships.

Even with those who are causing you the most grief.

Let’s dive in to five bonus points.

1. Disarm by charm

Picture your worst critic.

That might be a competitor, a former customer, an old foe.

Now imagine they’ve gone to the media and criticised you and your organisation.

How would you react?

Some are tempted to throw stones back.

Others would hide under the duvets.

Our advice is to deal with the criticism head-on, in a charming, non-aggressive way.

Find the one thing you agree on.

Let’s say you’re a Head Teacher, whose school is coming under fire.

A parent decides to criticise your management, citing high levels of violence and low levels of achievement.

Of course you need to challenge the issues point by point and present your own perspective.

But you’re best starting by pouring cold water on the fire.

“Well, what we all want is the best thing for the students in our school, so they continue to be happy, safe and high-achieving.”

It’s so agreeable that you’ve just removed much of your critics’ ammunition.

And you’ve now bought yourself the room to detail how you’ll make all of those things happen.

2. Regret, reason, remedy

‘Sorry’ is an incredibly powerful word.

When we feel wronged, it’s the one word we want to hear.

Yet we have an awkward relationship with it when we’re on the other side.

How many times have you told yourself in the heat of the moment:

“I’m not saying sorry.

“I’ve got nothing to say sorry for.”

Only to say sorry later once you’ve calmed down.

The problem is: those who needed to hear the word ‘sorry’ will feel wronged that it took a while to emerge.

Regret, reason, remedy is a great way to empathise without getting caught up in the emotion.

Now, first of all, make sure you’re happy with what you’re saying sorry for.

You may have caused an accident, in which case you should be saying sorry for what you did.

Perhaps you’re comfortable with your actions but sorry for how they made people feel.

In which case you can tell everyone you’re sorry you upset them.

And perhaps the cause is outwith your control but you’re tasked with being the messenger.

In which case you can be sorry to report, sorry to say, sorry to hear.

‘Sorry’ shows immediate empathy, so use it early.

Then, explain the ‘reason’ and ‘remedy’: why something happened and what you’re doing to fix it.

3. Feel, felt, found

Another way to show empathy is to reflect the feelings of those you’re meeting.

Especially if someone has shown the courage to open up with you and express their feelings.

Let’s say, for example, someone explains to you they’re feeling overwhelmed with their workload.

Once hearing them out, it’s useful to reflect these emotions, again in a structured way.

“I understand how you feel.

“I’ve felt that way in the past.

“I’ve found that by creating a list every morning, the anxiety disappears and I become even more productive.”

Empathy first.

Solution second.

4. W.R.I.O.C.

Welcome. Reexamine. Isolate. Overcome. Close.

This one I learned in my very first day in work in London (the hard way).

Working as a recruitment consultant, I was handed the short straw of covering the lunch break.

I received a call from a very angry Project Manager at a top UK pharmaceutical firm, who told me his staff were receiving up to ten emails a day from our firm.

(This was 2010, ten emails was a lot).

I told him it wasn’t me sending the emails, as it was my first day.

Hardly a helpful comment.

He phoned back later in the afternoon, angry now about both the emails and the poor customer service.

My manager dealt with it beautifully:

“Thanks for phoning up and telling me that.

“I really do appreciate it because I know how valuable your time is, and we want to get things right.

“Is there anything else that’s causing you frustration?

“So if I can sort the email problem out, you’ll be happy to hear from us when it’s relevant to you?

“Give me 24 hours and I’ll stop all emails going to your team within working hours.”

He ended the call a few minutes later having secured a meeting with the complainant to discuss the hiring of five new staff.

All because he welcomed the call, solved the problem and in doing so, sewed the seeds of a trusted partnership.

5. Active versus passive voice

This little nugget came via a piece of software I was introduced to: Hemingway.

I realised that much of my writing was passive rather than active, which was both more confusing to read and dodged accountability.

For example, if we have a technical problem during an online communication skills training course, I have two ways of communicating the solution:

1. We’ll fix the problem (active)
2. The problem will be fixed (passive)

If we have a reputational problem, I have two ways of telling you how we’ll change the culture:

1. We’re going to do everything in our power to create a positive, constructive culture (active)
2. Lessons will be learned (passive)

In each case, the active voice takes responsibility.

The passive voice dodges it.

It’s why we hear politicians and businesspeople trot out the ‘lessons will be learned’ line all the time.

They don’t want to have to deal with it.

And life’s easier without commitments.

But leadership, in part, is about taking responsibility when the chips are down.

So write and speak actively.

And, of course, work hard to live up to your commitments.

Communications skills training in real life

I find communication fascinating.

I’ll be planning to run communications skills training for the next 13 years, maybe even the next 34 years.

And if you want to benefit from that experience and be part of that journey, come along and see us in Glasgow.

You can join us online, or invite us to come to you.

We’ll challenge you to make these Golden Rules (and golden nuggets) your communication habits for life.

Andrew McFarlan runs Pink Elephant Communications.

You can read more about him here.

All photos in Communications skills training blog by Pink Elephant Communications.
Communications skills training blog written by Andrew McFarlan.
Communications skills training blog edited by Colin Stone.