In Glasgow, assertiveness training is often sneered at or misunderstood.
We dislike bullies, big-heads, high heidyins.
So we do everything in our power to show we’re nice, empathetic.
Or to paraphrase Glaswegian singer-songwriter Gerry Cinnamon, “just a wee bit less [nasty]”.
The trouble is, we can easily get walked over.
So it’s important to be able to show assertiveness in every conversation we have.
But it’s also important to be amiable (especially in Glasgow).
Here’s how to make sure both sides are happy with a solution you propose.
We’ve written before about the importance of saying no.
Megan Leboutillier wrote a book about it.
The two-letter, one-syllable rejection offers control in the midst of uncertainty and mistrust.
It’s just that saying no can be difficult.
Would you say no to your boss if they asked you to complete crucial work at the weekend?
How about to a customer who’s asking you to drop your rates by 20%?
Too often we acquiesce, which is where the Leboutillier mantra remains powerful nearly 30 years on.
What we would add at Pink Elephant is that you should be able to offer alternative solutions or at least, an explanation.
“No – I’ve already completed three overtime requests this month and I’ve got a meeting with a friend that’s really important to me.
“Next weekend would be fine, or I’d be happy to ask colleagues.”
Or:
“No – we can only introduce a discount based on bulk orders.
“I’d be happy to discuss those with you.”
To us, asserting yourself properly means making sure both sides of the agreement are happy.
So use ‘no’ as a springboard to help offer an alternative solution.
Answer: “No – here’s why, and an alternative solution…”
How many loaves are in a baker’s dozen?
Who’s the President of China?
What’s the different between a cumulus and a cirrus cloud?
These are all questions that are asked at an independent school near us in Glasgow.
Asked of 4-year-old children as part of an entrance examination.
The funny thing about the test is that it’s evaluating confidence rather than knowledge.
Those who say “I don’t know” are more likely to get in.
I was told that by a former headteacher.
She always believed that the ability to be honest under pressure was the surest sign of confidence in children.
I’d argue it’s the same with adults.
We know when someone is making something up or worse, lying.
And politicians’ careers are pock-marked by viral interviews, in which they opted to make something up or evade the question, rather than say they didn’t know.
And all that happens is we now mistrust future answers.
So build trust instead through honesty.
Answer: “I don’t know – let me find out/here’s what I do know…”
Ever been backed into a corner in a meeting regarding a cost or a deadline?
Pairs of eyes locked on you asking:
“How much will it cost?”
“When will it be ready?”
That’s an uncomfortable position to be in.
And if you concede an answer, that’s now the expectation.
The answer for this one is simple, and you’ll now recognise it everywhere you go.
“It’s too early to say.”
That gives you a chance to explain why you’re unable to put a specific figure on it, and when you expect you will be able to.
“…we’re still waiting on a cost estimate form our suppliers. At that point I’ll be happy to commit to a price”.
“there are too many variables right now. I’m narrowing those down every week, and as soon as I have it finalised I’ll give you a call”.
That’s as direct as you can be, asserting yourself to avoid setting unrealistic expectations.
And building trust when you follow up exactly when you said you would.
Answer: “It’s too early to say… here’s what I’m waiting for… here’s when I’ll know”.
What about those questions that are outside of your remit?
When Jurgen Klopp, the Liverpool FC Manager, is asked about Arsenal?
When you’re asked about a project someone else is running?
Or when business leaders are asked for their view on Scottish independence?
Any comment about those areas looks like you’re happy to be drawn into that area.
And someone looking to be difficult will now draw you onto the ‘thin ice’ of the argument.
Unsafe ground that they just hope you’ll fall through.
The best answer here is to move back onto the thick ice.
“I can only speak for my team, Liverpool…”
“I can only speak for my own project…”
“That’s really a question for the politicians and the voters to work out”…
You’re rejecting the premise of the question, but in a positive way, asserting yourself and ensuring the person asking the question feels respected at the same time.
Answer: “I can only speak for myself/that’s a question for others…”
What you’ll notice in each of these responses is that the person asserting themselves is offering a solution.
That’s crucial if you want to demonstrate leadership and be seen as a problem-solver.
Of course it’s important to set boundaries but it’s crucial to build bridges.
So make sure, in any conversation, you plan what you want to say in advance.
We call this an A-List.
It can look as simple as having certain words and phrases written down in front of you.
Planning your ideal outcome helps too, as you know where you’d like the conversation to end up.
That’ll help you build the bridge.
Answer: build an A-List in advance of points you wish to make.
Any of us can go through our lives only thinking about and suiting ourselves.
At Pink Elephant, we’ve always believed that assertiveness should be balanced with empathy and understanding.
So that under pressure, answering others’ questions and demands, you can built the right types of relationship in the workplace.
Assertiveness and empathy rolled into one.
Andrew McFarlan is Managing Director of Pink Elephant Communications.
Read more about him here.
Assertiveness training Glasgow blog written by Andrew McFarlan.
Assertiveness training Glasgow blog edited by Colin Stone.
Photos in Assertiveness training Glasgow blog by Pink Elephant, Alexander Dummer and Gantas Vaičiulėnas from Pexels.
13th April 2023 Featured in: Assertiveness training blogs, Blog, Our courses blogs By: Pink Elephant
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